In advance, I would like to apologise for the format, spelling and grammar issues in this post. I’m writing this totally unedited straight from my heart and I wanted to keep this as raw as how I feel.
I do not have control over the world. There will always be road blocks and challenges. I’ve decided to stop fighting and just be me. I can’t please everyone but, I can be pleased with me. I don’t know what the future holds but, I’m choosing to embrace every situation I’m in. Good or bad because even the bad situations provide the opportunity to learn and to grow. This doesn’t mean that I won’t grieve when I need to grieve. I will. This doesn’t mean that I won’t struggle. I will. This means that I’m keeping faith. This means I understand that I have so many people who love and support me. This means that it’s good to be happy.
The month of June is a very difficult month for me and for my family and close friends. This June especially marks 5 years since my mama died. Not one day goes by where I don’t need her here in the flesh. My mama was my teacher, my best friend and my number one fan. She was the best mom I could ever ask for. The world feels incredibly empty without her in it. For 5 years I’ve felt very alone. Very lost. This feeling may never fully go away.
I post this online for everyone to read because I know so many of you knew and loved my mama and know that she had the biggest brightest most brilliant and beautiful smile. She had a certain joie de vivre that was contagious. She was smart, cultured, hard working, beautiful, loving, generous and so much more! But she struggled. From a young age to her dying day, she struggled more than anyone else I have ever met. She struggled so much it could break your heart. Yet somehow, she made cancer look easy to beat. She made delicious food when we were running out of groceries. She made a home out of a hotel room when our house burnt down. She made a road trip with 4 people and 2 dogs in a sports car all the way to the other side of Canada a lot of fun. She hosted dance parties in the kitchen and living room to top40s and Hindi songs right after knee surgery. She smiled and the whole world smiled with her.
So, as per her request, we played some Louis Armstrong, some Fleetwood Mac, some Rihanna, Kanye and Akon at her funeral. There were no eulogies. There was only stories told how well she lived her life. I want that for the people in my life. I want to carry on living a beautiful life with no regrets. That way, my mama can live on.
She lives in my sister Amy who gives more than she has. Who loves so passionately and without reservation. She entertains like nobody’s business. She never goes out without a little make up and has almost every classic fragrance in her collection.
My mama lives on in my cousin Sherin who has the same smile and who can turn a living room into a dance floor after one game of kings cup. She can keep a secret
and be the best confidante you’ve met.
My mama lives on in my aunty and uncle Jessi mami and Bomi mama. They cook the most amazing meals. They take me to yanni concerts, they encourage me to practise and pursue my love for the arts and for photography. They have an open door policy and they always make me feel welcome.
My mama lives on in my cousin Anahita who by far bares the most shocking resemblance and who undoubtedly carries the natural maternal genes and instincts closest to my mothers.
And in all of my family from India, Ruksheen , Zareez , Zeean, Zaara, Dinshaw, mana masi, Zarius uncle Hutokshi aunty , Sanu, Sheroy, Cusrow uncle and even those I don’t have on Facebook. You represent the core of who my mama is. You have been and will always be home. Because home is where the heart is and my mamas heart was always with you. You were her dancing partners. You were the prayers the she prayed. You were the spice in her life. And I could not be more excited and more blessed to have wonderful people like you in my life to live that on. This December, I am going to India. I am over the moon about being a guest at this special wedding in December on my 25th birthday to be surrounded by so much love. I know my mama will be there in spirit. She already is!
My mama lives on in someone she dearly loved. Her best friend in the whole world, miss Lisa Tina Louise! You had some good times and some sentimental moments! You taught my mama that every pay she needs to splurge even just a little bit on herself. Even if she splurged even just a little more on Amy and I.
Of course, my mama lives on in my father. Her soul mate. The way he is a parent to me, I sometimes don’t give him enough credit for. The way he loves me. The way he doesn’t judge me. The way I’m his little girl and I am beautiful to him. The way he maintains his cool when I PMS and the way he treasures every memory. These are all traits he and my mother made a normal part of parenting that I will always appreciate.
There are 2 little hearts in my life that remind me most of my mom. Bella and Sophie. If anyone knows the story of how Bella saved my life they will know that my mama got Bella for me as a present. Bella was a rescue dog, but, truly my mama got her to rescue me. She reminds me that when life seems very dark, even the smallest flame can light up an entire room. My mama wasn’t an animal lover but she got not one but 2 animals. Sophie reminds me of my mamas humour. I remember my mom introducing zoso to us. From l’ecole du bow wow in Paris… Our little diva still shows sass the way my mama taught her to.
I wish I could name each person who I see my mother in. But the truth is, the list is too long. She touched so many lives and left us with so many memories that this isn’t even a start.
But, I didn’t have control of the world the day my mother died. All the road blocks and challenges couldn’t possibly add up to the feelings I felt from that day to today. I fought to just be me. And now, I don’t know what the future holds but I’m choosing to embrace every situation I’m in. Good or bad. Because that’s the kind of woman my mama was. That’s the kind of woman my mama raised me to be and that’s the kind of woman I want to be. If I can only be half as loving, half as kind, half as generous, half as cultured then that certain joie de vivre can pull me through even the toughest situations. If only I have the faith that my mama had.